Well here's the first entry for this particular Blog. It's not been an easy one to start writing, for all sorts of reasons but yay.... here I am now raring to go!
When I talk about the protective barrier I am referring to the heavy weight that I am carrying, the pounds and stones that I hold on to that have gradually weighed me down over many years sometimes bringing me to my knees metaphorically speaking. The barrier consists of the burdens that twist and wrap themselves around my frame whilst strangling my life force. The burdens I carry, willingly I might add, incorporates all kinds of emotions that leads to using food as an emotional crutch. Here I would insert the words abandonment, shame, guilt, isolation, abuse, betrayal and desperation in my case to describe the emotions I go through when cramming in food and alcohol that I actually do not hunger or thirst physically for.
Despite being of a very generous curvaceous stature I chose over the last year or so to embrace all that I am and to nurture my inner Goddess rather than put myself down. I took the pressure off myself to lose weight and decided to learn to love myself for what I am and what I have achieved so far rather than what I looked like. I chose to get on with life and enjoy all that it has to offer. That has not been easy at times because when I look in the mirror I do not recognise the person I see staring back at me but until now I was not "ready" to release the pain and anguish that led to this protective barrier surrounding me. There is nothing wrong with being curvy and carrying a stone or so of excess weight but when it affects your ability to function in life and be happy as 'you', that is when it is time to dig deep and be brave enough to face up to 'why' and to let it go!
To set the scene here I would need to go right back to my childhood. I grew up as the eldest of three sisters in a very rural area. Our only friends and neighbours were the animals on the farm and the beautiful natural world surrounding us and I have such fond memories of those days. I felt free and whole when I roamed the fields with our spaniel and when out there I remember having no cares in the world and felt so at peace. Whilst in many respects that environment has provided a very positive foundation for me personally in that I discovered Paganism at a very early age... though I had no name for it back then...it was also very isolating for us. The relationship with my parents is one that was complex with my inner child crying out for approval and love most of the time... back then and still now. My school years were thwarted with bullying from girls who resented me for being attractive and the way I look. I was tall and skinny in those days! My first encounters with men left me scarred and skewed my feelings towards them which affected what I felt was expected from me as a female as I grew up. My formative years affected my future ability to form attachments and looking back now I can see that quite clearly. I will add here that I love both of my parents dearly and that I truly understand that they did the best that they could and that back then parenting was different to how it is now. I do not blame them or anyone else for how I feel now and I take full responsibility and ownership of my own life.
So that is the beginning of this story so far..... as a very wise girl-friend says I can "re-write my story" and part of what this Blog is about is just that .... I get to re-write my story and realise my dreams. How exciting is that?
