Trials and Tribulations!

It’s been some time since I wrote a Blog, too long! Mainly it has been a tough old journey to get to this point which is an honest reflection of life since I started this weight loss journey at the end of March. Because of the struggle I have been a little less eager to write which is crazy because that is the time to write. It keeps the momentum and focus.

I have released weight most weeks with the exception of just one week where I gained a pound. I’ve gone from a BMI of 37.2 to 31.9 and released two and half stones of weight which is quite an achievement … I am proud of myself for that I must say.

Its a busy summer with festivals, camps and a holiday abroad and that has been tricky to handle at times. I remained on sole source for ten weeks in total and stepped up to step two for a week before going away for a weekend to a music festival. Once at the festival I had shakes but allowed myself to eat on two evenings plus drink alcohol. When I got home again I found it so difficult to get back to sole source so I have remained on step two. Funnily enough the first week on step two saw a release of 4 pounds which was pretty good considering I had reintroduced food again. Again, on holiday in Lanzarote I found it difficult to incorporate the shakes into my day when others were going down for breakfast and dinner. It was so darn hot there too and I certainly couldn’t carry cold water with me to mix a shake and would have felt awkward doing so on the beach. So I ate, sometimes healthily but sometimes not. I am not going to be hard on myself for doing this because life is too short to get hung up on stuff like that. Onwards I go.

Step two is quite restrictive for me personally as it introduces certain foods for example green leafy vegetables and salad leaves and protein but no carbs though! Ahhhhhhhh! I managed this whilst at home but failed miserably when at the music festival and on holiday in Lanzarote. If I’m honest I maybe could have found a way around it but I was tempted very much by carbs and fatty foods around me. That resulted in me consuming chips, crisps and other big no-no foods I am sorry to share. Once I started I found it difficult to stop.

Like with sole source it takes a great deal of focus and will power to stay rigidly on step two but the failure to stick to it has mainly been down to my frame of mind I feel. That is my emotional eating trigger rearing its ugly head again I’m afraid. I have felt so low about various life issues and sought comfort yet again in food. That said though, I am really not beating myself up about it and I am accepting the situation as it needs to be and confident that I will conquer this once and for all.

Food and I have a very volatile relationship. It’s all or nothing! I was so in control and felt on top of the game with sole source but once I had started to allow food in again I began to also allow crap food in to fill an emotional void. I am really OK with that now and I acknowledge all the reasons why I started to emotionally eat. It has been a part of my life for many years and so it will take time, understanding and will power to change that urge to reach for all the junk type foods.

Coupled with my very low mood and frame of mind I have had another pressure to contend with. This time it is not my issue but others who frequently make comments about the Cambridge Diet being very unhealthy. This does kinda undermine my confidence and commitment to the diet in that I felt so in control and believed in it big time and these comments seeped into my psyche allowing the gremlins to multiply and produce doubts. I accept that others opinions are based on ignorance and lack of understanding of how it all works so I am learning to throw those comments by the wayside and keep my faith and commitment to stay focussed.

                                                                             

On the plus side though it seems that the weight loss I have achieved has inspired another person to go for it. She made me feel quite good about how I look and is determined to give it a go herself. If I was in a better frame of mind I would be so ecstatic to have been an inspiration but I don’t really feel that joy inside. The down side here is that I have shed layers and feel vulnerable and scared now that the pain can consume me more. It is like I am open to the elements to ravage my soul.  That is the main part of all of this that I need to address and soon. I have viewed every stone as a release of a life experience or event that has caused me immense pain over many years. However, I acknowledge I have physically done the work to release that weight but not done a scrap of work to release the pain. So that is where I am at right now!

Like life itself this journey is made up of a rollercoaster of ups and downs and I am navigating through it slowly but surely. To finish on a positive note here … I got into the red dress I so wanted to wear and I wore my bikini with confidence on holiday … so that is a huge achievement!

Interview with the Inspirational Mr Dib's!

 For this Blog I am very excited because I am doing something a little different … for me anyway! I get to interview the awesome Mr Dibs, member of the brilliant space rock band Hawkwind, who has agreed to share his weight-loss story. I hope you find it hugely inspirational and motivating …. It has been for me!

I first became aware of Mr Dibs’ weight loss when he posted before and now photos of himself on social media. It started up an immediate flow of comments from people asking how he had achieved such an amazing transformation. People were clearly identifying with him and appreciative of his weight loss and like me people wanted to know more about how he had achieved such remarkable results.  As soon as I saw the words” Cambridge Diet” I was all eyes, given that I had begun to the struggle with maintaining sole source at the time. So here comes the honest and raw interview quite obviously given from his heart.

(Photo courtesy of Simon Wood and may not be reproduced without seeking his permission)

So Mr Dibs, when did your weight start to become a problem?

It was when I was diagnosed with temporal lobe epilepsy but at the same time finding out my sister had Non-Hodgkins lymphoma around 12 years ago. It sent me into a depression which I later discovered to be Bi-Polar… Almost all the medication for these conditions has “massive weight gain” as a possible side effect and that I would say was the main trigger.

What eating habits escalated your weight gain and how long did it take to reach your heaviest weight?

I guess comfort eating and late night eating and alcohol consumption were the main culprits. I don’t really know how long it took to gain all the weight; it was possibly over quite a few years. I know by 2010 I was near 23 stone, but was telling people “oh, I’ve always been big” to justify how big I was.

What foods or drink did you find difficult to resist eating?

Oh that would have to be beers, chocolate and anything fatty like crisps.

                            

How did you feel when you were at your heaviest?

Well, I didn’t really realise at the time that I was so big because I was depressed anyway. Looking back though, I had low self esteem and I was probably in such a deep state of denial about the weight that nothing really entered my head like that and so I can’t say how I truly felt about it.

What was the catalyst and defining moment for realising that you needed to lose weight?

I had been advised by friends for a long time that I needed to lose weight, but as I said before, denial was very strong and I didn’t see it. I was using a walking stick for quite a while and blaming arthritis in my knees for that. My performance on stage with the band was suffering because I was breathlessness and I was unable to do a show without using my inhalers. My singing and all round stamina was pretty damaged I have to say. So it was a combination of things that made me realise I had to do something.

Why did you choose to follow the Cambridge Diet plan to lose weight and which step did you start with?

I had tried the gym at some point, but the progress was very slow, and the attitude of the other people attending was patronising and unsupportive which put me off. My girlfriend had been on the Cambridge Diet and had been trying to persuade me for a long time to try it. I initially dismissed it as a fad diet and the denial was still there that anything was wrong so it took a while for me to accept I needed to do something. I had to start the Cambridge Diet on step 4 because of my medical conditions, and then down to step 3 over four to six weeks, then on to step 2.

What was the most difficult part for you when starting the Cambridge Diet?

I found it relatively easy once I had made my mind up to do the diet after my initial consultation. But I was losing anyway having given up bread and significantly lowering my alcohol intake. I found cheese was probably the biggest miss though. I did feel very hungry and tired at first, but it helped the transition a lot starting on step 4 going down to 2.

What have you lost so far and how long has it taken?

I have lost nearly five stone so far since August 20^th 2012 up until now 24^th May. That is a period of about 9 months. It slowed down a lot after I had a two week break over Christmas/New year and then it took a while to get back on it properly again. This was because I had a virus which caused some fluid retention and it was also discovered that having extensive tattoo work done slows the process of weight loss down due to the body fighting off the “ink invasion”.

How do you feel following your current weight loss?

I am much healthier and happier and I feel as though everything has improved. I noticed within a few weeks how much less I was using my inhalers and I hardly ever use them now. I have less knee pain. I’m so much more confident which has improved my stage persona and remarkably my singing voice and range has improved dramatically.

What support has your Cambridge Diet Consultant given you?

He’s been absolutely fantastic, especially when the process slowed or if I gained one week. He encouraged me to be honest when Id “cheated and not done quite so well as I had hoped.

How do you cope with hunger pangs or cravings for your favourite ‘bad’ foods?

I will go for something low calorie or have an extra CD product. I may also go for something within the allowed food groups but more recently I also allow myself the treat of something “off map”.

Weight maintenance longer term requires some change in lifestyle to keep the weight off and to break old habits. Have you changed your lifestyle?

My alcohol consumption has decreased dramatically plus I’ve cut out junk foods and processed foods. I had generally eaten quite healthy foods just way way too much of them. I really think cutting bread and alcohol have been key factors in breaking old habits and if I have a little bit of bread now, I feel bloated and ill…. that will definitely stay cut out.

How much more weight do you want to lose?

My last weigh in was 15st 9lb and I want to get down to 13st.

Do you intend to stay on the Cambridge Diet plan?

Yes, to help maintain the target weight, but I will take the advice of my consultant once that is achieved. 

What motivational tips or advice could you give to someone just starting out on the Cambridge Diet to help them stick at it?

Keep strong and stay focused. It is very very hard work, especially when, like me, you have been on it a long time and the loss has slowed. Don’t be disheartened by that, as you do have good weeks and bad weeks. The weight will fly off at first but you do find a level after a while that becomes a smaller but steady loss.

Have you developed a taste for healthier food now or do you struggle to avoid your old favourites?

Well I always tried to eat healthily anyway, but I have developed an acute sense of calorific intake and I check everything I eat now…it is amazing how many calories are in some foods that you just wouldn’t expect!

Have you got a motivational goal in life linked with weight loss?

Longevity, simple as that! Had I carried on the way I was going I could easily have had my first heart attack by now. When I look back at photographs from last year, I just think how good I look now compared to then, and how much healthier and happier I am.

What is the best thing to you personally about losing so much weight?

Health and happiness! I was growing old before my time; dying inside and out but I just didn’t realise it despite some good friends telling me for years!!! Now I am so glad I did this, I would advise anyone with a weight problem to check it out and do something about it sooner rather than later.

I want to thank Mr Dibs sincerely for sharing his story because he truly is an inspiration to me and I hope he will be to you. It is not easy to lose weight when you have a lot to lose. The weight loss journey feels lonely, arduous and never-ending, but remember weight gain does not happen overnight and like Mr Dibs and myself it creeps on over some time. It is therefore so important to remember that it will take time to lose it too and it’s great to hear that he is still focussed and committed to his journey back to health. Anyone on a weight loss journey needs to know it can be done and to find comfort in the knowledge that they are not alone, so I hope you find yourself spurred on and motivated by Mr Dib’s story.

Top tips to getting started!

When you start the Cambridge diet sole source it can be so daunting at the beginning. The thought of not eating anything, not anything at all for twelve weeks is mind blowing. My advice to you is to take it one week at a time and that is the advice my Consultant gave me. It is much more manageable to think in terms of a week at a time and before you know it you have done two weeks then three etc and the first stone has gone. You can stop at any point or you can step up a level if it is too much for you so you do have control.

With not eating anything it is vital to drink plenty of water. I drink 2 litres at least a day and prefer sparkling mineral water because it has some taste to it and goodness knows you need that when you reach Ketosis. I drink Herbal tea also and especially peppermint or liquorice flavours because they have quite a strong taste. Never have fruit tea because they will kick you out of Ketosis. Cambridge Diet sells water flavourings which you can buy but I have not tried these and can’t say what they are like. I know I am not really supposed to do this but I do actually have the tiniest amount of semi-skimmed milk in my Earl Grey tea each morning because I so much enjoy the first cup of tea of the day. All it means is that it might slow down my weight loss but I accept that and I also appreciate that this is a journey with no time limits and no pressure on me. If I don’t drink enough I have a raging thirst and feel ill until I can replenish my fluid level so always carry water with you.

Not the best of subjects but I have to talk about bowels here. I am a Nurse so I can talk about this very comfortably. If we don’t have any bulk or fibre going through our digestive tract then not much is going to come out the other end. The bowel needs fibre or bulk to stimulate it to work so on the CD sole source constipation is a bit of a problem at times. I have read on some forums that some people became faecally impacted on CD sole source and being a Nurse I know what that means. Don’t wait for constipation to become a problem, be proactive in preventing it in the first place. Cambridge diet sells a fibre powder that you can mix with water but I haven’t tried that myself. I opted to have natural remedies and drink liquorice teas and take a herbal Laxative daily from the local health food shop. My Consultant recommended buying suppositories which I have got but not needed to use but if you feel very uncomfortable I would recommend you try one to prevent straining and haemorrhoids. Prevention of constipation is another big reason to make sure you drink enough so don’t skimp on the hydration ever.

For the first couple of weeks your Consultant will recommend you have CD sole source shakes/soups only. After that you can incorporate other products like chewy/crunchy bars and a thickener to make up mousse from the shakes but on sole source you don’t start eating food at all until you step up a level. I chose not to have the bars because I actually think I would eat them all at once. I know it sounds terrible but if I had seven bars ie one for each day I think I would eat them all in one go if I got too hungry so I remove the temptation for now. However the choice is yours. I haven’t tried the mousse powder because I am quite happy having the shakes/soups but it does give another texture and the feeling that you are eating something if you need it.

Headaches are a problem at times especially when you first start the sole source. This is because of a combination of reasons ie sudden withdrawal of sugars etc and drop in blood sugars or dehydration. You can help that by planning ahead and reducing your sugar and carb intake before you start CD sole source and ensure you drink enough right from the start. Headaches that occur after Ketosis are usually because I haven’t drunk enough water so if I rehydrate myself I feel a lot better. It is OK to take Paracetamol to alleviate headaches according to the directions on the packet so don’t suffer in silence.

Hunger and a rumbling (or in my case a rather roaring, ravenous) tummy is a big problem for me at times. My Consultant told me I shouldn’t feel hungry when in Ketosis but when I checked on the urine Ketone dip-stick I was most definitely in Ketosis in week two. When I stuck to the CD sole source rigidly this hunger did wear off but it took probably 4 weeks before it did completely. I had a chaotic and stressful week around the fifth or sixth week and started to eat rubbish again so I am just getting back on track to achieve Ketosis and so repeating the process again. There are no remedies for hunger apart from strategies to stay focussed on what you are aiming for and to drink water to fill you up. I say to myself when I find it really tough “when you feel like quitting, remember why you started in the first place” so writing down why you are wanting to lose weight is a good idea maybe. I also keep busy and started to write a lot more. I guess I am breaking the routines in my life-style whereby I may have eaten junk eg when watching mundane TV in the evenings, feeling bored and I reaching for the crisps etc. Now I hardly have the TV on but occupy myself in other ways. I haven’t done this yet but starting to incorporate exercise into your life will help change old patterns and reprogram you ready for when you start to eat again. If you go back to your old life style and habits after losing weight you will just put all the weight back on unless you change it. So use this time to re-think how you want your life to be.

I hope those tips help you. I will write more as I think of them and as I develop strategies along the way.

Chaos paid a visit to me!

Well it’s been a few weeks since I wrote for this Blog. The reason being that life has been quite busy but also because I have not done so well sticking to the CD Sole Source plan. This, I feel has led me to reflect today on why I have not done so well but also to realise that this is a journey and will take some time to travel. After all it took years to pile on this heavy weight and burden and so it is going to take more than just a few weeks to shed that load. One you get your head around this concept it does put things into more perspective and it becomes more manageable

Last week I fell by the wayside a little and started to eat again whilst on sole source. My Triggers for eating apart from just wanting to eat because I am a living being and designed to eat, are quite complex but I am beginning to understand them a little better.

So what were those Triggers and what did I learn last week?

Firstly, I had a very busy time celebrating Beltane (a Pagan festival) and I was so much more active than usual. I therefore burnt off quite a lot of energy in the process and felt hungry because of it. I had felt so good about being able to walk up the steep lane in the procession I took part in and truly felt I was reaping the rewards of losing weight and feeling fitter. So I was actually on quite a high at that point. But instead it became Trigger number one in a series that would make last week one that I would rather forget. In hindsight I should have made sure I drank more water because it was a very hot day and I could actually have been more dehydrated than hungry. But if I had still felt hungry I could have had an extra CD shake to top up a little on energy, as feeling so hungry was the catalyst for the next trigger point.

So, secondly, I shopped and purchased two tubs of Lurpak spreadable butter that were on offer in the Supermarket and also white “best of both” bread because that is what my son eats. I LOVE white bread toasted with butter dripping from it and I kept thinking about it constantly after buying it and almost obsessed over the wretched stuff. I went away overnight and told my partner that when I got home I would have two rounds of white bread toasted with butter on it to satisfy my craving and then get back to CD sole source again … easy! I had after all been doing so well and subconsciously felt I deserved a reward and I felt sure I could just have that little treat and get back to sole source quite easily. Big mistake and the wise words of my very supportive partner ring in my ears still “It will open the flood gates once you start to eat” he said! And oh boy did it. I didn’t stop at two rounds I just couldn’t or wouldn’t stop eating and that completely ruined my morale and resolve. Actually that is an understatement because I became an “Emo” wreck! Looking back on this I realise that I still don’t know when to stop eating. I feel in control when on the CD sole source but away from that I resort back to old eating habits …and some. I have choices and I choose to be on this journey to feel healthier and fitter. I need to work on this aspect more in readiness for stepping up the plan to eat again and to learn to consciously choose healthier options. If I choose to eat foods that made me pile the weight on in the first place I will have done all this for nothing and learnt nothing along the way. I must learn to appreciate healthier but tasty foods and make preparations for this before I end CD sole source and know when to stop eating. I also need to realise that rewarding myself for doing well with weight loss with processed and unhealthy foods is a huge contradiction to what I am trying to achieve…. Such craziness to think that “fat” foods are a treat!

Thirdly, I returned to work and didn’t pace myself too well. Instead I worked longer hours and became totally stressed out trying to catch up with everything. Big mistake! It is my job, my JOB and I am worth so much more than my job than putting my body through so much stress. In future I will pace myself much more effectively. I know this will be easier said than done but actually I am no good to anyone, including my Employer if I make myself ill through stress. I will pay more attention to diarising appointments and consultations before and after any leave to allow space to work more effectively. I always used to work this way but became entangled in the “being all things to everybody mentality”. I am NOT Super-Human!

Fourthly, I failed to recognise the signs that my body cycle was heading for “that” time of month. Normally and naturally as with many women I start to retain water, feel more emotional, feel hungrier and crave carbs big style. If I had rationalised that in my head and understood that this phase does pass I could have retained the motivation and focus to stay rigidly with CD sole source. I do however, realise that I am affected by the hormonal changes in my body and even with the best will in the world it was going to be agony to remain so rigid during these times. Instead of reacting as I did this time, I will be prepared for next time and acknowledge my body changes and go with them knowing they are transient. I will be thinking of ways to nurture and nourish myself without turning to high fat and loaded carb foods. But also I need to think of what I can eat when I step up on the CD plan at these times that is both nutritional and fulfilling, so my thinking cap is on regarding that one.

Fifth is my response to life experiences. It goes back to previous Blogs about comfort and emotional eating. I started to dwell on and be affected again by past experiences and hurts rather than let them go as this Blog is meant to be all about. I guess in some ways I have only paid lip service to what I wrote about addressing past traumas and letting them go and in doing so allowed them all to come flooding back and compound my grief. Holding on to those trauma’s serves only to hold on to the burden and the weight they have created. I must walk my walk if I am to achieve what I set out to achieve. In future I will write shorter Blogs here rather than let issues and experiences build up and sabotage my goals. Writing will help keep me focussed on what the issues are and make me find ways of resolving them… High fives to that!

Sixth and final trigger was that there was a Lunar Eclipse last week that I felt quite significantly. I am always quite sensitive to Lunar energies and they were particularly powerful this time. I didn’t even realise it was happening until it “happened” to me and I read about it on good ol’ Facebook. I had not bothered to look at my Lunar diary, didn’t even do my New Moon ritual this time. I can’t really say why this is so except that my frame of mind was terribly low for all the reasons above. I have decided that I need to start carrying my Lunar Diary with me again and start working with the cycles rather than suffer the effects of them. It’s no wonder I feel such an emotional wreck when all the basic tools in my toolbox of coping strategies in life have been ignored.

                                                                                                  

I saw Alice, my CD Consultant last week at my weigh-in and I lost 1 and half pounds which considering what had happened the week before was pretty good. I have slowed my journey down but hey…it is not a race and I have plenty of time to get to where I want to. In fact this is a life long journey and what I am doing right now is all the preparation to become healthier and fitter because losing weight is not just “it”. I have stayed on CD Sole Source for now because I am not ready to step up to incorporate food yet into my diet. I need to regroup and look at all the triggers again to last week’s chaos and formulate the strategies I need to cope with them all when they raise their ugly heads again …. And they will… but next time I will be waiting with my water canons to blast them away!

To conclude here on a very positive note I am hugely inspired by someone who is also on the CD plan. He is a fab musician rocking his life and looking absolutely amazing. He has agreed to share his story with me so I can write a Blog to inspire not only me but anyone else struggling to keep on track. Look out for this in the next Month.

The First Mile-stone

Well that is the first stone in weight released over a period of three weeks … bar half a pound. I feel really good about it.

The way I felt when I first started this journey was completely awful! I felt weary, heavily weighted down, completely burdened by past trauma, panicky and fearful that I wouldn’t be able to do this but quietly determined that I would! I was grinding to a painful halt and probably eating my way into an early grave.

Whilst losing weight through a very low calorie diet (vlcd) is not the healthiest way perhaps of losing weight, I felt that I needed to regain control of this weighty situation I had gotten myself into. So I opted to start my journey with the Cambridge Diet which I had “had a go at” many years ago, when actually I really shouldn’t have been allowed being as I was not really overweight. Back then I guess the regulations were not quite so stringent.

I started the Cambridge Diet on 29^th March after preparing myself from a psychological point of view for the journey ahead. I had to feel ready in my mind and embrace this journey in its entirety. Weight loss is only partially about what you put in your mouth and very much about your thoughts and your brain! I have lots of goals this year for which I want to feel good but more than anything I wanted to address once and for all the reasons why I had put on so much weight. Those reasons may differ from person to person, but for me weight gain has occurred following times of immense stress and trauma. It is my response to those experiences that led to comfort eating to make me feel better inside, full and content when my world was feeling empty and collapsing around me. I recognised that I needed to address my emotional response to difficult life experiences and to use a different coping strategy other than eating and drinking. That means my whole life story requires un-ravelling and re-writing to become a whole new shiny, bright story without carrying the excess weight that stifles my femininity and creativity.

So….. One of the best aspects for me personally about the Cambridge Sole Source Diet is the absence of food altogether. It has allowed me to acknowledge the times when I feel hungry and to consciously make a choice not to reach for quick fixes. I have also seen patterns emerging whereby I would have a bad day or felt low in mood and want to shovel take-away foods, chocolate, crisps, bread, cheese and wine down my throat. That may have filled my world at that time with immediate pleasure and satisfaction but what afterwards? I would have felt as I always did when I succumbed to those emotions that led me to fill my stomach: feelings of guilt, self loathing, disgust, embarrassment …oh the list is endless! But the end result was constant weight-gain and the vicious cycle that is characteristic of emotional eating. The Cambridge Diet allows me the space to analyse my cravings and my usual responses because there is no food to get in the way.

Now, don’t get me wrong here; I am not a woman who is obsessed with how I look and I do not feel that being on the larger curvier side is un-attractive in any way shape or form. The Feminine form is beautiful and our curves are simply divine. For me this is about my feeling of carrying the weight of past heart-breaks, traumatic life experiences and so forth, which have almost ground me to a halt by stopping me from being able to physically do the things I want to do.

After releasing this first stone I have, in a short space of time, completely embraced my inner Goddess again with all of my being. I am very much a woman of substance who promotes positive body image no matter what size or shape within the Sisterhood. I stopped applying that to myself and some how the words of encouragement that I spoke to others did not amount to what I was living in my own story. I needed to learn to walk my walk again... And I have!

I love my curves and I embrace my imperfect-perfections because they are me and they are what make me a unique woman. I AM good enough and I AM loved by myself and by those who matter. My life-story so far will not define my on-going story! Bit by bit I am letting go of the hurt and the trauma that culminated in the burden I carried upon my shoulders and surrounded my body like a security blanket or protective layering. It is time for me to fly high again with the freedom to be myself.

When I feel like this is too hard and not worth it I say these words to myself …. “Before I decide to quit, remember why I started in the first place”..... and I keep going because I am ready!

Deciding to go for it!

"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you " Maya Angelou 

Well here's the first entry for this particular Blog. It's not been an easy one to start writing, for all sorts of reasons but yay.... here I am now raring to go!

This is my personal journey that relates to the emotional weight gain through comfort eating that many women experience, including me, because of illness,trauma, grief, abuse and hurt.I must quickly say here that I am aware that men experience this too but it is safe to say that far more women succumb to comfort eating than men. It has been well researched that the human mind plays a huge part in the realms of eating disorders, weight gain and weight loss so I won't bang on about that too much here because it is readily available to read elsewhere. My intention here through this Blog is to explore the reasons why I personally, and many others most likely,have used food to surround myself with what I feel is a protective barrier to the outside world and how I release it. As I address the issues that caused the barrier to go up, which will be a journey of unknown length, I will visualise it dissolving away leaving me free again to live out my dreams ... and being free of the food shackles that pull me back from enjoying life to the max.

When I talk about the protective barrier I am referring to the heavy weight that I am carrying, the pounds and stones that I hold on to that have gradually weighed me down over many years sometimes bringing me to my knees metaphorically speaking. The barrier consists of the burdens that twist and wrap themselves around my frame whilst strangling my life force.  The burdens I carry, willingly I might add, incorporates all kinds of emotions that leads to using food as an emotional crutch. Here I would insert the words abandonment, shame, guilt, isolation, abuse, betrayal and desperation in my case to describe the emotions I go through when cramming in food and alcohol that I actually do not hunger or thirst physically for.

Despite being of a very generous curvaceous stature I chose over the last year or so to embrace all that I am and to nurture my inner Goddess rather than put myself down. I took the pressure off myself to lose weight and decided to learn to love myself for what I am and what I have achieved so far rather than what I looked like. I chose to get on with life and enjoy all that it has to offer. That has not been easy at times because when I look in the mirror I do not recognise the person I see staring back at me but until now I was not "ready" to release the pain and anguish that led to this protective barrier surrounding me. There is nothing wrong with being curvy and carrying a stone or so of excess weight but when it affects your ability to function in life and be happy as 'you', that is when it is time to dig deep and be brave enough to face up to 'why' and to let it go!

To set the scene here I would need to go right back to my childhood. I grew up as the eldest of three sisters in a very rural area. Our only friends and neighbours were the animals on the farm and the beautiful natural world surrounding us and I have such fond memories of those days. I felt free and whole when I roamed the fields with our spaniel and when out there I remember having no cares in the world and felt so at peace. Whilst in many respects that environment has provided a very positive foundation for me personally in that I discovered Paganism at a very early age... though I had no name for it back then...it was also very isolating for us.  The relationship with my parents is one that was complex with my inner child crying out for approval and love most of the time... back then and still now. My school years were thwarted with bullying from girls who resented me for being attractive and the way I look. I was tall and skinny in those days! My first encounters with men left me scarred and skewed my feelings towards them which affected what I felt was expected from me as a female as I grew up. My formative years affected my future ability to form attachments and looking back now I can see that quite clearly. I will add here that I love both of my parents dearly and that I truly understand that they did the best that they could and that back then parenting was different to how it is now. I do not blame them or anyone else for how I feel now and I take full responsibility and ownership of my own life.

So that is the beginning of this story so far..... as a very wise girl-friend says I can "re-write my story" and part of what this Blog is about is just that .... I get to re-write my story and realise my dreams. How exciting is that?